One-to-One With... The Conman Philip Green of Arcadia

In the voluminous category of Great British Arseholes, one of the most notable (and punchable) is Philip Green, the chairman of Arcadia Group and inexplicably knighted for his services to gobshitery. Beware! tracked him down by tracking deposits from his camel-hair coat.

B!: Thank you Phil for agreeing to this interview.

Phil: (glancing around nervously) You what? I didn't, and it's Sir Green.

B!: (pulls a face) Not what I've got down here. That's your name?

Phil: My name - you nonce - it's Green.

B!: Shits green? How much spinach would you need to... No wonder you looked so uncomfortable at the Select Committee.

Phil: What an unprofessional start. What publication do you -

B!: Hahaha (obscures press pass). Incredibly ironic, that, isn't it, you talking about professionalism.

Philip Green sweats sperm. (Andy Brain)
 - this design available via MoMoJaJa

Phil: Can we make this quick? I've got a massive yacht to go and view.

B!: Quick as a crash. Tell us how you got started.

Phil: I worked myself up from the ground.

B!: Bought up the stock of several bankrupt companies, stuck your own labels on, bish bash bosh right? Not a bad start. Reckon people will do the same with BHS stock?

Phil: It breaks my heart that things have worked out the way they have.

B!: So how does it feel to be the biggest con-man in Britain? When you're actually here that is.

Phil: Security? Who is this clown?

B!: (Being manhandled away) The voice of your swindled employees pricking at your conscience!

A few days later, we had another go...

Phil: Which one are you?

B!: Jeremy Bullingdon-Scythe from The Financial Arselick Times. (Belatedly crosses fingers behind back)

Phil: Oh are yer. Nice one. FT eh? That's the one that got sold off to the Nips. Shame that. Proud British publication. An institution.


B!: Taking good care of British institutions. That's something you would know all about of course.

Phil: (Missing any irony) I would, yes. I have advised the government on many things including productivity and efficiency.

B!: Did you perhaps advise them to drive wages and conditions down while extracting hundreds of millions of pounds out of failing businesses and spreading it around your family before leaving the country?

The face that appalled Philip Green so.
OK - our reporter had a mask on. (Andy Brain)

Phil: Eh? Actually would you mind not looking at me? It's really putting me off my pork pie.

B!: Not look at you? Fine fine - anything else you'd rather we didn't look at, like your tax arrangements?

Phil: Say what?

B!: Can you explain why your companies are registered to your wife's name and Monaco address?

Phil: What yew asking me about that for? Lady Tina is a Monaco resident and highly qualified to own ownership by name of the companies I own except I don't own them. Nothing could be clearer.

B!: What do you say to the term "asset stripper"? To those who think you should plough some money back into the BHS pension funds?

Phil: They have taken blood, sweat and shit from me already.

B!: Difficult stains to shift. So. A pound. You - let me get this straight - of your own free will, sold BHS for a pound. You wouldn't do that if you were playing Monopoly on your solid gold set, would you. What is it, a shop or a grab bag of sweets?

Phil: Now I've already said, we don't want any shit over this. I am willing to sit down with the regulators and give it a damn good go.

B!: A damn good go eh?

Phil: I'm giving up my free time for this.

B!: A lot of people would like you to give up a lot more free time, "Sir".

Phil: A lot of people never worked an honest day in their life. I built myself up from nuffin.

B!: Talking of honest workers - David Lachappelle eh? What does he know about fashion?

Phil: Dominic Chappell, actually, you cock.

B!: Oh you remember his actual name then. Did you know much else about him eh?

Phil: Dominic Chappell had all the qualities required to steer BHS through a difficult time.

B!: Christ you couldn't even pick someone who had a bit of retail experience! Might have gone better if you did sell BHS to David Lachappelle. They might have started stocking 30" trousers for a start.

Phil: There's no way you're from the FT.

B!: It's not FT any more, it's FAT. Pronounced "phat" because we like the way it sways off the lips and the hips.

(Phil washes his hands and exits.)

Not to be deterred, we gave it one last shot...

Phil: (Drops brandy) What the bloody cock...

B!: (Climbing in through the yacht window) Hello matey. *whistles* So is this the holiday home-from-holiday home? How is Monaco these days?

Phil: You've not been invited -

B!: Alright, no sweat, eh, No Sweat. But hey, with a sweat problem like yours, you can mop it up with a Topshop flannel made in one of your hellhole factories.

Phil: You should know better than to talk about hellholes when there's people like Idi Amin in the world. I've given tons to charity.

B!: Drop in the ocean.

Phil: (Advancing) You'll drop in the ocean.

B!: (Retreating) Missed out on The Apprentice didn't you! Ere I've got another lifestyle format, you'll love it: Brass Neck UK. The candidate who cocks everything up and keeps getting bailed out but still manages the most brazen cheek gets an excrement badge, how about that? Alright I'm leaving.

Phil: F*** off and stay f***ed off.

B!: (in the water) Are you Alan Sugar's little brother?

One-to-One With... The U.S. Election Candidates

With the U.S. election machine staggering along the track, still not out of separate lanes, Beware! sent its interviewers along to get drenched in spittle and lukewarm coffee dregs.

One-To-One With Huckabee:

B!: Caucuses are not generally known for passion and enthusiasm, especially when most of your aging supporters are outside the campaign hall, queuing up for the facilities. Can this tide of effluent be ignored?

Huckster: Are you suggesting my supporters will be -

Huckster waves goodbye to a disinterested public.

B!: Praying and piddling.

Huckleberry: It's very simple. The prayer is an image, a visualisation, according to the old methods, the holy stand, and you bring it into being and you will be whistling, an ecstatic fervour like... 1980. As it was written on the accession, or in any of my Lord's writings.

B!: And the piddle?

Huck-huck-huck: Well that can be mopped up no trouble. This manifesto's super absorbent.

B!: "Abhorrent", shurely?

Huhby: It's not wrong to champion the sanctity of life.

B!: It is if you crow about sanctioning 16 executions in Arkansas.

Hubris: The bullet and the noose are the only things - the _only_ things! - that stand between this great nation and the last days of Sodom. Do you want anarchy? Do you?

B!: It's good to discuss these things as rational people and we can all get better educated.

Horror: Education should be for families, not for liberal "journalists" or federal fiddling. The state has no business interfering in schools. Parents should be able to keep their kids at home and teach them right from wrong and the ways of God.

B!: And what is right in this day and age?

Hulk: I tell you what's right. Israel is right. Israel is a shining light of moral clarity. If they build houses in the lands given to _Abraham_ are you going to stop them? You'll come through me first (stands up, impersonates a brick wall).

B!: (Makes excuses and leaves)

One-To-One With Clinton:

Beware! turns its political vacuum up to full, to suck the facts from Hillary Clinton. Has our vacuum not excited you before? Or do you jingle that bell idly? In this case, it's not enough, as the New York Times tells us we have another Clinton applying for the White House. So interview we must. Wonder how many bugs are in this room... Madam, what year is this?

Hillary: ...? It's good to have you this morning.

B!: Maybe soon. Let us feign independence first. (Unhooks the colours, unfurls the flags) So your opponents had, like, zero visibility, and now Bernie Sanders has had a scratch. What's it all about?

Hillary checks out what the kids
are diggin' these days. Ahh, surveillance.

Hillary: This is how we start a discussion? Well! _Really_ good. I can salute the effort and... indefatigability of Senator Sanders, but there is, obviously, by my side, the umbrella of significance. And an umbrella can be used to shield from rain, but also it can be used, with a poison tip, to puncture the leg of an opponent and cause rapid death.

B!: Top tech! But obviously, this is not Tomorrow's World. Is this yesterday's war?

Hillary: I cannot wait idly for some fuzzy ideal of "progress". People demand government now. If that means a moratorium on progress, so be it. We have eight years to fight for.

B!: ...Four years?

Hillary: (Acid) _Four_ of those eight years, yes.

B!: Mrs Clinton, there are wild assets in your great resume; however, you're surely worried about being seen as one of the privileged few, unable to see the wood for the treehouse?

Hillary: No, I do not know this picture. I am _here_ (thumps desk) at the end of the day, and the beginning of the next, so I think people will... vote without frowns. (Cracks a smile) They know people should vote for their loved ones, this is the best type of commander as the next president. And here, in the NSA, I know that economic performance, achieved through free-market means, is the way to develop. Deals with health management, sure. Deals with big corporations, sure.

B!: Deals with Occupy?

Hillary: If they want to float themselves and do things above and beyond the books, sure. I want to reach out to every part of our glorious Wall Street. I want to build bridges between the senate and the stock exchange. I want to feel that people in all walks of life, from Harvard to Hollywood, will be alright.

B!: From... Harvard to Hollywood?

Hillary: I know, we have experienced people. A lot of people very experienced with making money and keeping money. For example, I intend to harness the innovation of drug companies to make money for their shareholders.

B!: In what ways?

Hillary: I just said - to make money for their shareholders.

B!: Oh - I thought there was a twist.

Hillary: I will focus on the economy. It is for people to get ahead, be rich and willing. I do not want to change the tax system. I do not want to change the benefit system. This whole idea of government, economy, democracy, saying this thing or that thing is a bad idea is something we need to look at.

B!: As you know, your opponent, Senator Sanders, has torn into Goldman Sachs, who contributed a not-insignificant sum to your account in return for speeches. We must ask. Because you and I evidently do not remember, do they - is this an entirely innocent $675,000?

Hillary: (Holding a finger to... a hidden earpiece?) I have said this before: Goldman Sachs have no designs on my presidency.

B!: B -

Hillary: (Waspish) You do not intervene in the running of a proud nation. You intervene in the running of lesser nations. There will be no regime change in the United States of America. Goldman Sachs know their place. I know mine. And you know yours.

B!: (Makes excuses and leaves)

Beware! attempted to One-To-One with Donald Trump:

B!: Hello Mr -

Trump: Shitface!

B!: I - I - I -

Trump: Stammering bastard! Jew-eyed slanty wop! Brown-nose asskisser!

B!: Excuse me?

Trump: Yeah I will this time, but do it again and you'll be shining boots on the sidewalk!

B!: Er...

Trump: You know what made this nation great? Intolerance. We didn't tolerate being poor. We didn't tolerate being black. We didn't tolerate being women. We stood up and did something about it.

B!: Being balding?

Trump: I say, tolerance sucks! Tolerance doesn't build you a _10 million dollar_ golf resort (fondles genital area).

B!: Tell us about your campaign.

Trump: I started with _nothing_, you hear me? Nothing!

B!: Self-made tan, ain't cha.

Trump: Nowadays, I could knife Bambi, and they'd still love me. You get that? Luurve me (leering).

B!: That's not exactly what the polls say -

Trump: What have the Poles got to do with it? Fuckstain European centralist bastards! Let them stay over in Great Scotland and they can play their own goddamn snooker games. You know what snooker is? Pool for people with no balls.

B!: There's more balls on a snooker table than a pool table.

Trump: You know what I'm gonna do when I get in that Oval Office? I'm gonna build me a wall. A big, fuck-off wall. You know what I'm gonna call it? The Wall. Yeah. Sounds good, right? And every day, I'm gonna make sure that we put another brick in that wall. We don't need no Mexi-rapists, we don't need no state control. Sing it with me (unzips and uses his cock like a guitar whammy)

B!: (makes excuses and pelts it out of there)

Poetry Hallway - Filthy Muck / Interview

Beware! recently caught up with acclaimed poet, wit and raccoon, Limpit Smike. He had a writing pad and a big stack of Parker pens.

Filthy Muck by Limpit Smike

I try but cannot understand

why dirty men have sweaty hands

and filthy pants on cheesy nobs

and rotten feet in mouldy socks

and fatty blobs and saucy globs

down jeans they can't be arsed to wash

They squish their scent on doors and floors

I have to disinfect, of course

It makes me retch and then explode

when filthy beasts come up my road.

Mucky man. (Andy Brain)

B: Hello Limpit.
L: Wargh! Oh! What on Earth are you doing there?
B: There was no answer at the door so we thought we'd try the window.
L: Withdraw your head, I'm composing.
B: Busy, eh?
L: Yes I am as a matter of fact, and so should you be. I've got three poems to finish by lunchtime.
B: A triptych?
L: Bless you.
B: No - are they related thematically?
L: Of course not - that'd be far too hard.
B: A sentiment many of our readers could sympathise with. So would you like to describe -
L: (Writing whilst talking) Look you may have time for poking your bits about, but I don't, okay. I have some bloody fantastic verse to lay down onto this paper -
B: With a rather nice pen.
L: Yes, it's one of my new ones from Sun Life, I applied for a thousand insurance quotes and they sent me a thousand pens. Anyway this is a special book of poems that's going to Uri Geller.

B: A commission?
L: No - a composition. You fool.

Empty bogroll. (Andy Brain)

B: I mean, Uri commissioned you to -
L: You might think that. I might think that. Uri as yet does not know he thinks that. Maybe in some crevice of his magical mindset -
B: So not a commission then.
L: Let's just say, when he receives my meisterwerk sheathed in an exquisite lavender envelope, he'll know he's dealing with a quality artist. Quality will out. Uri screams quality.
B: Can we have a taster?
L: No. Of course you can't. Now bugger off. How many times?
B: Okay. (Leans back out) We'll have to go through your bins then.