One-to-One With... The U.S. Election Candidates

With the U.S. election machine staggering along the track, still not out of separate lanes, Beware! sent its interviewers along to get drenched in spittle and lukewarm coffee dregs.

One-To-One With Huckabee:

B!: Caucuses are not generally known for passion and enthusiasm, especially when most of your aging supporters are outside the campaign hall, queuing up for the facilities. Can this tide of effluent be ignored?

Huckster: Are you suggesting my supporters will be -

Huckster waves goodbye to a disinterested public.

B!: Praying and piddling.

Huckleberry: It's very simple. The prayer is an image, a visualisation, according to the old methods, the holy stand, and you bring it into being and you will be whistling, an ecstatic fervour like... 1980. As it was written on the accession, or in any of my Lord's writings.

B!: And the piddle?

Huck-huck-huck: Well that can be mopped up no trouble. This manifesto's super absorbent.

B!: "Abhorrent", shurely?

Huhby: It's not wrong to champion the sanctity of life.

B!: It is if you crow about sanctioning 16 executions in Arkansas.

Hubris: The bullet and the noose are the only things - the _only_ things! - that stand between this great nation and the last days of Sodom. Do you want anarchy? Do you?

B!: It's good to discuss these things as rational people and we can all get better educated.

Horror: Education should be for families, not for liberal "journalists" or federal fiddling. The state has no business interfering in schools. Parents should be able to keep their kids at home and teach them right from wrong and the ways of God.

B!: And what is right in this day and age?

Hulk: I tell you what's right. Israel is right. Israel is a shining light of moral clarity. If they build houses in the lands given to _Abraham_ are you going to stop them? You'll come through me first (stands up, impersonates a brick wall).

B!: (Makes excuses and leaves)

One-To-One With Clinton:

Beware! turns its political vacuum up to full, to suck the facts from Hillary Clinton. Has our vacuum not excited you before? Or do you jingle that bell idly? In this case, it's not enough, as the New York Times tells us we have another Clinton applying for the White House. So interview we must. Wonder how many bugs are in this room... Madam, what year is this?

Hillary: ...? It's good to have you this morning.

B!: Maybe soon. Let us feign independence first. (Unhooks the colours, unfurls the flags) So your opponents had, like, zero visibility, and now Bernie Sanders has had a scratch. What's it all about?

Hillary checks out what the kids
are diggin' these days. Ahh, surveillance.

Hillary: This is how we start a discussion? Well! _Really_ good. I can salute the effort and... indefatigability of Senator Sanders, but there is, obviously, by my side, the umbrella of significance. And an umbrella can be used to shield from rain, but also it can be used, with a poison tip, to puncture the leg of an opponent and cause rapid death.

B!: Top tech! But obviously, this is not Tomorrow's World. Is this yesterday's war?

Hillary: I cannot wait idly for some fuzzy ideal of "progress". People demand government now. If that means a moratorium on progress, so be it. We have eight years to fight for.

B!: ...Four years?

Hillary: (Acid) _Four_ of those eight years, yes.

B!: Mrs Clinton, there are wild assets in your great resume; however, you're surely worried about being seen as one of the privileged few, unable to see the wood for the treehouse?

Hillary: No, I do not know this picture. I am _here_ (thumps desk) at the end of the day, and the beginning of the next, so I think people will... vote without frowns. (Cracks a smile) They know people should vote for their loved ones, this is the best type of commander as the next president. And here, in the NSA, I know that economic performance, achieved through free-market means, is the way to develop. Deals with health management, sure. Deals with big corporations, sure.

B!: Deals with Occupy?

Hillary: If they want to float themselves and do things above and beyond the books, sure. I want to reach out to every part of our glorious Wall Street. I want to build bridges between the senate and the stock exchange. I want to feel that people in all walks of life, from Harvard to Hollywood, will be alright.

B!: From... Harvard to Hollywood?

Hillary: I know, we have experienced people. A lot of people very experienced with making money and keeping money. For example, I intend to harness the innovation of drug companies to make money for their shareholders.

B!: In what ways?

Hillary: I just said - to make money for their shareholders.

B!: Oh - I thought there was a twist.

Hillary: I will focus on the economy. It is for people to get ahead, be rich and willing. I do not want to change the tax system. I do not want to change the benefit system. This whole idea of government, economy, democracy, saying this thing or that thing is a bad idea is something we need to look at.

B!: As you know, your opponent, Senator Sanders, has torn into Goldman Sachs, who contributed a not-insignificant sum to your account in return for speeches. We must ask. Because you and I evidently do not remember, do they - is this an entirely innocent $675,000?

Hillary: (Holding a finger to... a hidden earpiece?) I have said this before: Goldman Sachs have no designs on my presidency.

B!: B -

Hillary: (Waspish) You do not intervene in the running of a proud nation. You intervene in the running of lesser nations. There will be no regime change in the United States of America. Goldman Sachs know their place. I know mine. And you know yours.

B!: (Makes excuses and leaves)

Beware! attempted to One-To-One with Donald Trump:

B!: Hello Mr -

Trump: Shitface!

B!: I - I - I -

Trump: Stammering bastard! Jew-eyed slanty wop! Brown-nose asskisser!

B!: Excuse me?

Trump: Yeah I will this time, but do it again and you'll be shining boots on the sidewalk!

B!: Er...

Trump: You know what made this nation great? Intolerance. We didn't tolerate being poor. We didn't tolerate being black. We didn't tolerate being women. We stood up and did something about it.

B!: Being balding?

Trump: I say, tolerance sucks! Tolerance doesn't build you a _10 million dollar_ golf resort (fondles genital area).

B!: Tell us about your campaign.

Trump: I started with _nothing_, you hear me? Nothing!

B!: Self-made tan, ain't cha.

Trump: Nowadays, I could knife Bambi, and they'd still love me. You get that? Luurve me (leering).

B!: That's not exactly what the polls say -

Trump: What have the Poles got to do with it? Fuckstain European centralist bastards! Let them stay over in Great Scotland and they can play their own goddamn snooker games. You know what snooker is? Pool for people with no balls.

B!: There's more balls on a snooker table than a pool table.

Trump: You know what I'm gonna do when I get in that Oval Office? I'm gonna build me a wall. A big, fuck-off wall. You know what I'm gonna call it? The Wall. Yeah. Sounds good, right? And every day, I'm gonna make sure that we put another brick in that wall. We don't need no Mexi-rapists, we don't need no state control. Sing it with me (unzips and uses his cock like a guitar whammy)

B!: (makes excuses and pelts it out of there)

The Beware! Encyclopaedia of International Celebrity - U.S. Election Special

How to explain the race for America's next President to an outsider? Some will tell you the President is a straw figure, effectively neutered by the machinations of the senate, condemned to fiddle around the edges. Some may suggest on entering the Oval Office, the new President is taken to one side and shown the video of Kennedy's assassination, with a quiet entreaty not to rock the boat. Some may point out that America is so indebted to various moguls and sheikhs and China that its hands and feet are tied and all it can do is attempt to talk (foolish) other countries into ceding control based on some nebulous notions of freedom...

But still, the President carries real power. The general idea is still that a President makes things happen. Admittedly, mostly contracts for their chums' businesses. So, we get a race to the White House, which descends into an undignified scramble through bullshit. Candidates hire huge campaign teams. They vie for the backing of business leaders.

These po-faced peacocks and their unwieldy overripe-buttock-gangs pebble-dash the country for a good two years, spewing bombast, powered by flammable gas and inflammatory statements. Millions are wasted on dreadful spectacle. Naturally, Beware! is on hand to gloat.

Your runners and riders...

Democratic 1% Party

Hillary Clinton (Bloodline Botox Bomber) - all the money, all the connections, and yet the public haven't warmed to her. Still the presumed shoo-in for third way business as usual. Mrs Clinton has even taken to courting the support of embalmed Reaganites, rather than risk cultivating progressive policies. Still, it would be a good start (and a nice surprise) if she at least sticks to her (tame) pledges.

Bernie's seen something amusing on the right.

Lawrence Lessig (Dusty Book Sharer) - founder of Creative Commons and eager advocate of free culture. Is it any wonder his campaign stalled amongst the money men of politics?

Martin O'Malley (Young Old Spunky) - perfectly moderate candidate, but who had previously endorsed Hillary. Notable for his guitar-wrangling, in this particular talent show, he came, he was seen, he conked out. Should have brought the band.

Bernie Sanders (Breathless Wind) - many in America were energised by seeing the rise of our cycling placard monk Jeremy Corbyn, and incandescent finger-jabber Sanders looks set to cash in on Corbyn's success, as the US once again copies what we're doing in Britain six months later. The independent senator (or "enemy within")'s student support and Scandinavian-style policies naturally make him akin to Beelzebub in the dollar-imprinted eyes of rightward-leaning voters. Weirdly, there is a class of voter who would consider Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump their two main choices, suggesting that their free-floating anger is focused on establishment politicians rather than the super-wealthy.

Republican 1% Party

Ted chews over the big questions.
Second or third?

Jeb Bush (Bloodline Hanging Droop) - all the money, all the connections, and notably all the technology (still got those machines from 2000 gathering dust). Yet the public haven't warmed to him. That must suck his deposits.

Ben Carson (Tiny Knife Man) - with his knowledge of precise surgical technique, it has been pointed out that Mr Carson is entirely overqualified for presidency, which usually just requires a big mallet to whack down dissent. Still, he should be good at washing blood off his hands. Carson's campaign reached a standstill as he reached a standstill - in the wings at the introduction to a televised debate, with the cameras focusing on his every uncomfortable flinch.

Ted Cruz (Liberty Grabber) - feeling just a little bit misogynist? Just a tad racist? Just a smidgen asshole today? We present Ted Cruz, the watered-down Trump, a floating stain of ick. Pledging to make even bricks and mortar go out and find a job ("I want a wall that works"), pro-lifer Cruz champions the right to keep and bear arms. Kill for peace.

Out of his mouth fall
ripe squeezed nuggets of hate. 

Mike Huckabee (Talking Salvation) - I see the light! Ah, the fading of the light, the light at the end, the lights are going out, the last pinprick of light, nope didn't make it this time fella.

John Kasich (Heritage Car-Sick) - apparently this chump is mainstream Republicanism's last hope. Polite, gently stirring, harking back to a previous generation, could he be the John Major of this race and find himself propelled by others' desperation all the way to the top? Probably no.

Marco on the uppers.

Marco Rubio (Call Me Marco) - notable for his campaign putdown: "I wear heels bigger than your dick!" Fresh-faced, squeaky-cheeked Marco was tearing it up like Xmas wrapping on a Fisher Price playset, until he took on Trump at his own game: "I'm no-one's apprentice. You don't get to fire me. I'm a different company altogether!" to the confusion of thousands. Marco wound down his sputtering campaign with a sad-eyed rejoinder: "Guess I'm just too damn pretty for this race".

Marco on the buffers.

Donald Trump (Anal Vomit Leak) - fill in your own jokes. This thatched orange blob of hate has ascended to a realm beyond parody. Mr Trump has the sterling support of the demolition derby circuit, World Wrestling Entertainment fans, and all jihadis. It is merely hoped that the sheer poison of his candidacy might bring about the implosion of the Republican Party, before any more innocents suffer.

Come back tomorrow as the crack Beware! team attempt to pin down the candidates on severe policy matters.