Baking Bonanza With The Two Bobs - St Clement's Cake

You're watching Cookstyle UK, hawking sugar and fat to students, the unemployed and elderly since 2008. Nobby "Bob" Lyons (ex-doctor, shifty) and Bobby Robert (ex-patient, cynic) are in the show-kitchen doing impersonations.

Bobby: (twirls an egg whisk and potato masher) Waargh exterminate you up the ass til you bake properly.
Nobby: (puts his frameless glasses on) A-ha, as I was saying to the producer, a-ha, I do have a rather unctuously pleasing joke about butter, ah, but I don't want it spread around.
Bobby: You getting hot and cross in the mouth about butts again?
Nobby: St Ivel, patron saint of the dinner table - ooh - ah - is a distant relative of today's holy of holies.
Bobby: Why's that then, they inbred?
Nobby: I bring to you -
Bobby: Syphilis.
Nobby: Ooh. I bring to you -
Bobby: Whacko drugs that make the room spin?
Nobby: Comrade(!). Oh, urgh, I've got for you the St Clement's Cake.

St Clement's Cake

St Clement's Cake masquerading as Blackbird Pie Cake. (Andy Brain)

Nobby: This is not only a cake, it's like a sticky friend. Who would have thought that with just orange and lemon, you could make an entire cake? Just half an orange, half a lemon, ooh, and what do you know, "or-an-ges and le-mons," -
Bobby: (turns) I'll start on the lemon.
Nobby: State of the membrane. With lemony gluten, a very mild palette and faint flavour, all you can try to do is to make this a better cake. But the Two Bobs have done the hard work for you! "Oranges and lemons" is of course slang for the citrus mouthwashes available in spunk clubs for those engaged in anal rimming. You swish the orange bottle beforehand to add tingle, and the yellow bottle afterward to add hygiene, and as a doctor with certificates I can assure you the whole thing is safe. "Oranges and lemons - the bell-end sent clemence", ooh it's very catchy, like a brain installation. It reminds me of my nan's facial cake, and some cakers use a bar of elderly shavings. It's... an edible lullaby in the right hands.
Bobby: I'll start on the orange now.
Nobby: You can reduce it, reduce it, to a thimble! But more than that, you want a very nice and beautiful cake. So don't. Sponge freezing is trite, so forget that, for this lemon sherbety mess. So, keep your fingers moist and help pull a long beautiful spurt. This recipe also makes sweet muffins.
Bobby: Variety's not dead.

NOBBY'S ST CLEMENT'S CAKE RECIPE:

1. Turn around and put your oven on.
2. Heat the room to the same temperature with a flat bread and a large bowl inside, then remove and cream butter and sugar into 9 inches of it. Brush it all about. Eat the flat bread for energy.
3. Find a small egg and roll it in flour and sawdust using Nobby's patented wrist action.
4. Now we need the rest of the flour, baking powder, metal microblebs, grilled cheese, and yes the lemon juice, thank you Bobby. Fold it all into the mixture.
5. Park it like a bicycle in the oven for 20-25 minutes or less if cold, and grab the reins of the world through your own combination of fun activities. I like to dice with danger by reaching for big jugs on the top shelf. Good practice for the newsagent's, eh lads?
6. In a large bowl, get some bile oil. We're making several smaller features from just this oil and sugar. Even after dinner, you'll need to add bulk and beat well.
7. Every third cup must be divided between anything pink and all other foods, and then you add a hint of rohypnol to the pink bits and whatever you enjoy to everything else.
8. Get hold of a casting directory and lure your actresses with promises of a big part... plus refreshments. Make sure there's some butter left over for later in the evening.
9. Photostat your brown mushroom, it's perfectly legal and reduces the embarrassment of making yellow sponges. Remember, pink covering will yield to a rotating nozzle head if you put it in right.
10. Re-butter, add cream, a bird, and Aldi Value sponge cake. To protect your fingers, use a mallet to knock the bird into place. (If you don't have a bird to hand, Springwatch has good tips.) Carve it out like a nest, bolstering the mouth and nose with toast made from ashes. Spray it anything but pink. 
11. Beauty up the bread on the bottom layer with your protein solution. You may need a guide funnel and strap ring. (Even if it's not perfect, you know it's there.) 
12. Serve without regrets, but with a good backup supply of Cialis and Horny Goat Weed. 

BOBBY'S PAM ST CLEMENT RECIPE:
1. Grab a card from Nobby's stub.
2. Go down to an East End pub.
3. Fill yourself with lovely grub.
4. Blame it on a hacked Home Hub.

Next time: Flatten the competition with tractor roll.

Baking Bonanza With The Two Bobs - Chess Cake

Nobby "Bob" Lyons (bespectacled scourge of the NHS) and Bobby Robert (cynic of the kebab house) have wangled themselves a slot on Cookstyle UK's low-rotation low-audience afternoon schedule. You can imagine the deficient title music.


Nobby: Oo. Ah.
Bobby: ...Crapped yesself already?
Nobby: (Stroking the workspace) This is very nice.
Bobby: Today it's salmonella pudding. You like that?
Nobby: What with the country, ah, taking to the baking... getting rude for the food... spurting for the dessertings...
Bobby: Dirty bugger.
Nobby: We decided there could be nothing better than to, ah -
Bobby: Join the bandwagon.
Nobby: It's nice to watch. But this is better because it's interactive. Yes, you too can make the recipes in this series. Now, have you ever heard that before?
Bobby: All a game to you, innit.

CHESS CAKE
Nobby: ...which leads us - oo - tactically well into our first edible. This is the chess men cake.
Bobby: I'll peel some spuds.

Chess cake not made by Nobby; Chess men not carved by Bobby (Andy Brain)

Nobby: Chess pie, a sweet, indulgent dessert, of course - I could eat it all year! Featured in "Saving Private Ryan" where a battle was planned using the innards of this very cake, the remnants of one were, ah, presented... to me by a patient, and before I'd even started dating her, this lovely treat was elected the nation's favourite. You may have many favourite sweets, but this is the only one that's also a game - apart from hide the pussy pop! So, ah, after you've had fun pressing your bits into all the tiles, a slice of this will fit in your tummy like a runny hug, and this can be, with the help of the Two Bobs, a very simple recipe to make and make again. You'll need just this yellow cake mix (available from Pound Plus), melted egg and butter in a griddle, with a leather box, to start the preparation. These four ingredients together, then get squished into a pan. What gives the amazing texture of this cake is eggshell - a tool that's easy to use but only with your right hand, because we know what the left hand gets used for...!

NOBBY'S CHESS CAKE RECIPE:
1. Turn your oven around to 300 degrees.  
2. Put non-stick spray on your hands.
3. Pour and mix the yellow cake mix (available from Pound Plus), with butter and eggshell in a large bowl, about 6 x 10-inch baking dish to eat. No, you don't eat the dish!
4. Put milk on the bottom of the pot. Use your fingertips to feel where the bottom is.
5. Disorder your cream cheese (oo-er) until smooth and soft. Add stevia, fat bubbles, a hint of rohypnol, and turn your egg timer over now! Shell and pour the mixture into a soft line, like a dog sausage. Bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes. The exact structure will be best serviced in whirly circles.
6.Taking spray paints, spray on the characteristic white and black shapes of a chess board.
7. Place a chocolate bar on top. Leave this under a hairdryer for a few minutes until the chocolate has dribbled down the sides. Repeat until you've done this with four or five bars, but don't use Green & Black's as it doesn't heat well, or KitKat because it's not all chocolate. Swizz! 
8. Serve in congealed lumps to a credulous lady in a darkened consulting room. The local GP has an easily-bribed janitor, he lets me go in after lights out and do a whole STD clinic by myself.

And now Bobby, how about the chess men?

BOBBY'S CHESS MEN RECIPE:
1. Take some wood from Nobby's bed.
2. Sneak into a neighbour's shed.
3. Carve it up into chess men.
4. Tell the cops you were asleep.

Next time: How to gut a ferret.