Sunday, 26 April 2015

Poetry Hallway - Poverty Knocker

Five pounds please! Tonight's Poetry Hallway is falling apart and we can't get it fixed unless you pay. I said we can't get it fixed unless you pay.


I'm waiting...


Oh have it your own way. Keep your coat on. It's fair to say that poetic stalwart, Limpit Smike, has been stockpiling his ideas recently -

LIMPIT: Is it time for one of mine now?

Yes, in a moment, we'll be -

LIMPIT: Because I notice you print all of... Croyland's poems, and none of mine.

Well that's not quite true, we had one of yours just a few -

LIMPIT: I'd like to say something now.

OK that's fine. Here's one about the poor.

LIMPIT: No, not the poor - poverty. Which is spelt almost the same as poetry. As a poet I can spot these things.

Poverty Knocker by Limpit Smike

It clambers round the house
Scratches up the door
Smears up all the walls
Throws things on the floor

It's called poverty
And it wants its way
It's called poverty
I must shoo it away

It ruins all the food
Cuts off all the gas
Farts in every room
Cancels all the plans

It's called poverty
Makes monkeys out of men
Sick and thick with fleas
I must not be like them

It wears out all the threads
Sells the lovely stuff
Leaving only bread
Makes you just a scruff

Back off poverty!
 Stick your long nose right out
Lavish becomes me
I will not be a lout

I protect all my pounds
I work hard on my wealth
Money has the power
Of and by itself
I will not succumb
To cheap and dirty ways
My King Yacht will come
And I shall sail away

Monday, 13 April 2015

Poetry Hallway - Croyland Otter's Relationship With The Land

Before Beware! The Zine went live at the end of 2014, we conducted a good deal of research to determine how we should best approach our more-artistic features. Our poll showed that our audience was less interested in 'good poetry' from celebrity poets, and wanted more people drawn from the local population. Some populations have yielded a better-quality poet than others, as frequently demonstrated by our dismal Fenland rhymist, Croyland Otter.

After our roundup of his 'Ode To Richard III', Croyland felt that Beware! failed to convey the level of respect for his poetic abilities that he had perhaps come to expect from the expert panel at The International Society Of Poets. Indeed, the Richard III Society's Canadian office were more impressed than we were and, encouraged by this, we were compelled to bring to your attention this wordy wonder, which is a touching and heartfelt overview of Croyland's relationship with the land, and his frustration with wildlife protection laws.

Canada's Richard III Society: in love with Croyland. It must be true - they said as much on Twitter.
According to his accompanying telegram, Croyland entered this particular poem into a contest run at the WWT Welney Centre, achieving the level of 'commended'. As usual, Beware!'s Poetry Hallway staff ran a brief check and it seems the Croyland was actually disqualified from the contest and banned from any further involvement in Wildfowl & Wetlands Trust events. Oh well. We suspect another complaint from Croyland will soon land on Poetry Hallway's doormat.

The Sublime Setting Sun Which Licks My Fields

When ball of gold so round and hot,
Escapes the daytime like a shot;
It makes me think of things I have,
Things I'm lucky that I've got.

Like ditches, dykes and slimy holes,
And frogs and toads and beastly moles,
Or all those birds which fly above,
Which I cook to death and eat in rolls.

And then the people from the police,
Say I must obey, desist and cease,
From clobbering all those yummy birds,
Like swans and wrens and hawks and geese.

Croyland Otter
October 2014

Monday, 6 April 2015

The Beware! Encyclopaedia of International Celebrity - Scarlett Johansson

When researching a celebrity, it is vital to look beyond the established history 'they' want you to believe. Who are the famous people, really? And who are you? Do you damn well think you're God or something? Stick with Beware!'s impeccably-dredged profiles, and we'll answer both those questions.

Sarcastic Johansson. (Andy Brain)

Scarlett Johansson (World Picture Talk Queen)

Are you in New York for the first time? Perhaps you too will seek out Scarlett Johansson. This talented discipline of multiple truths is right across our media. Our media? Perhaps one day it will be her media.

Born in Poland and Denmark, October 22 1984 was a long day for future historians. As a child, this clear-eyed mystic befriended gusts of wind and was sensible for at least three minutes. "I'm sorry, she wants to be an actress" was the standard third-person brush-off from teachers.

New York's Silent Wood was an important food source for Scarlett's mother, who yet saw potential, repeating "I have to train your mind". Enough to send anyone potty. Scarlett went through many quality changes in seven years, implementing personal regulations on music and movement to prepare mentally for the challenges of superstardom. Crowned Metro Fire Mini VIP 1995, she auditioned at a cinema lobby and enrolled early in a law course which afforded more than 11 years of acting experience in a month. First came the north, and defective agents. Only images, emotions, and the actor Bruce Willis could steer young Johansson to a gliding future. Sean Connery and Kerry Ellis were her heroes; Willis less so. To add new players and paper cases, she gave acting lessons to urchins and gained influence points by proxy. Well, it's a means of entertainment.

Scarlett Johansson in the Movies

Wang Vs The World (1996) was the landmark legal case on which Scarlett first demonstrated power, free spirit and grace, selling an escape to the jury, and lead training 12 witnesses. The judicial community were astounded. "Change this menyeronokk woman!" But the high powers in Hollywood were listening. Scarlett was invited to audition for "Secret Debts", a process she dismissed as "just a 1998 horse race". It was a terrible tragedy. Meanwhile, rogue Christian film producers tried a rename gambit with "Scarlett 13:30", which only disappointed honest Bible scholars.

Obviously it would take more time to understand the nature and persistent grain of this future polymath. In 2001, her self-penned underdog-fantasy "Adventures of a Ghost" led to comic book stardom, and interest from the entire Greek community which persists in restraining orders and annulled marriages to this day.

Steely Johansson. (Andy Brain)
"The Fellowship of Rebecca Sun" followed, an art-house movie consisting of only two static repeated frames. Problems? Audiences thought so. Scarlett turned American; assuming three stage names to assist the vulnerable. The Manhattan University School of Manhattan bent over backwards to get Scarlett's sign-off for their atypical acting highway in 2003. She refused. There is no highway.

Scarlett changed career to develop a series of personalised translation products - launched in Laos, Vancouver, Tokyo, Luxembourg and girls, that sold without prejudice. While some of her earlier pictures were quietly changing hands for black-market release, "The Story of Translation" was an inspirational 2002 documentary on Esperanto in a changing world, involving an iconic sequence set at the Venice Film Festival featuring an aging and hesitant Bill Murray engaging strangers in this so-called universal language: "Saluton, kiel vi fartas? ...Under normal circumstances, especially with these hands, I knew I had to marry into Scarlett's games. Dio estas granda - sed li kovris min per ŇĚlimo". Marry he did, but once more it was annulled.

Only 27 days later, "Little Bagels" divided critics, fans and movie fondlers. Sofia Coppola had edited a whole film together from carefully-stalked CCTV footage, in stores and city centres, without actors' permission, in an attempt to quickly capitalise on the promo storm around "Translation". Scarlett's retaliation: "I fear the QEII now. I fear Walmart now. Where is the next camera? For inspiration, 1/5".

With offers of series, movies and gynaecological centrefolds, Scarlett Fever was created in many ways. Of course, all is fresh with the power of the magical story. Scarlett's new light, however, was a Toronto woman-film based on the concept of "happiness as an excellent weapon". "Bobby Robert", a sci-fi jazz fable starring John Travolta and composer Scarlett under the clever alias of "Scarlette", avoided taints of Scientology and viewers' eyes.

Relocated in New Orleans, Scarlett and her occasional glove Basil Brush saw out 2003/04 holed up with Italian fruit, Helen Hunt and Tom Wilkinson. A reconciled Sofia Coppola had joints to share, but Scarlett only desired to wake up, and abandoned her placement to teach a film course in Las Palmas.

Seductive Johansson. (Andy Brain)
Meanwhile, in 2004, for the first time, the film world realised that young women could provide recognizable characters. Scarlett is not the real price, but worth more in truth. She used her new gold Oscar lemon-stampers as part of a popular series of Tarot. "Man Of A Thousand Platinum Discs" was an excellent skewering of the media scene, co-prodded by Aaron Neville and Jack Harkness. A false run for the 2004 Democratic presidential candidate opposite Howard Dean (aka Howrad Dean) was the first sign of future stretch goals. George W. Bush: "American actressing was originally just a game. Now real men can play. Ms Johansson is a real man".

And, of course, in 2004, the concept of evolution was hotly debated. Scarlett lost a fair portion of glory embroiled in the academic literature and science goals of Oskari (creator of Jeskola's Buzz). Invited to take part in the quaint games of British society, Scarlett shunned the red carpet and went where even Marilyn Monroe had not been admitted. The dumb Calvin Klein proclaimed Scarlett "all scent"; Louis Vuitton countered with: "She is instability". With glowing testimonials like this, the call had to be coming. And it was! Legendary neurotic Woody Allen slashed his calendar with a letter-opener to accommodate Ms Johansson for the gonzo comedy "Hero Sword". It flopped! Still, "Songs and Bobby" made the opening morning of the Venice Film Festival, around which Scarlett flew slowly 61 times making onlookers vomit-inducingly dizzy. When the Hollywood Film Festival was cancelled due to flooding, Scarlett accepted a flurry of advertising: Island Records, Michael Laudrup Soccer Coaching and Calvin Klein's October promotion. Scent indeed. Reuters images showed a round hill with thousands of children and Scarlett as Jesus! Unbelievably the public swallowed it. Sales of rosary beads quadrupled overnight.

Scarlett Johansson in the Charities

A total of 20,000 girls applied to be Johansson for the day in a perception experiment. "We must be prepared for a mission in life," she said, opening yet another more-than-school. Families received skin rejuvenation, health and education direct from Scarlett (although music by the incontinent Justin Bieber) and she developed programs to understand Oxfam India and Sri Lanka (who have legibility issues) in 2007. Scarlett developed a new film, "Louis Vuitton", a skewering of the non-entity with deliberately unstable camera work and actors placed on tilting tables, with poor youth and recovery support. Families in India and Sri Lanka applied for roles in "Tsunami Malignancy" (2010) and home life women were arrested shooting this feminist opus which was quietly canned by the studio (legal knottage ongoing). Scarlett was dating gravel-seller Tom Waits by this point; the marriage was, yes, annulled.

Scottish Johansson. (Andy Brain)
An unexpected hit was 2013's controversial "Skin Storm" in which Scarlett played a face-eating racist recruiting Scottish men to work on her pubic forestry before gutting them, with accompanying wailing soundtrack by Morrissey (Grammy nominated). As a result of this slasher she was invited to head Oxfam and banned from Israel.

Her public appearances as head of Oxfam have included the Scarlett Diamonds campaign in Liberia, and a re-coupling with rubber shark and former Fonz, John Travolta, developing an expectation-reinforcing act based around appalling physical slapstick.

Scarlett Johansson in the Music

You may wonder where is the music now. Well the answer is in singlets. Specifically, the new band of Scarlett Johansson with Li'l Kim, Nana V, DLT, ABC, FYC, and Lee 'Kix' Thompson on sex. Playtex brought a lawsuit alleging the name infringed their rights to sell wispy crispy crackers. Legal advisers on the comments section of Yahoo pointed out that at least 20 other places have previously used the word singlets, and also that it was a stupid name. The band name was immediately changed to Keshco.

Scarlett Johansson is a real love story. She wants to know if "he" wants to go back. I would like to know as I want to go back, especially after accepting all the facts in the script of her life. They are necessary for the company, but it is important to show some respect. We do not have many good things and faces, and so for good work, we have to see Scarlett!

Entry text: Adrian Darvell
Editor-in-Chief: Winston Obogu

Corrections, omissions, questions? Please leave any COQs in the comments.