The Beware! Encyclopaedia of International Celebrity - U.S. Election Special

How to explain the race for America's next President to an outsider? Some will tell you the President is a straw figure, effectively neutered by the machinations of the senate, condemned to fiddle around the edges. Some may suggest on entering the Oval Office, the new President is taken to one side and shown the video of Kennedy's assassination, with a quiet entreaty not to rock the boat. Some may point out that America is so indebted to various moguls and sheikhs and China that its hands and feet are tied and all it can do is attempt to talk (foolish) other countries into ceding control based on some nebulous notions of freedom...

But still, the President carries real power. The general idea is still that a President makes things happen. Admittedly, mostly contracts for their chums' businesses. So, we get a race to the White House, which descends into an undignified scramble through bullshit. Candidates hire huge campaign teams. They vie for the backing of business leaders.

These po-faced peacocks and their unwieldy overripe-buttock-gangs pebble-dash the country for a good two years, spewing bombast, powered by flammable gas and inflammatory statements. Millions are wasted on dreadful spectacle. Naturally, Beware! is on hand to gloat.

Your runners and riders...

Democratic 1% Party

Hillary Clinton (Bloodline Botox Bomber) - all the money, all the connections, and yet the public haven't warmed to her. Still the presumed shoo-in for third way business as usual. Mrs Clinton has even taken to courting the support of embalmed Reaganites, rather than risk cultivating progressive policies. Still, it would be a good start (and a nice surprise) if she at least sticks to her (tame) pledges.

Bernie's seen something amusing on the right.

Lawrence Lessig (Dusty Book Sharer) - founder of Creative Commons and eager advocate of free culture. Is it any wonder his campaign stalled amongst the money men of politics?

Martin O'Malley (Young Old Spunky) - perfectly moderate candidate, but who had previously endorsed Hillary. Notable for his guitar-wrangling, in this particular talent show, he came, he was seen, he conked out. Should have brought the band.

Bernie Sanders (Breathless Wind) - many in America were energised by seeing the rise of our cycling placard monk Jeremy Corbyn, and incandescent finger-jabber Sanders looks set to cash in on Corbyn's success, as the US once again copies what we're doing in Britain six months later. The independent senator (or "enemy within")'s student support and Scandinavian-style policies naturally make him akin to Beelzebub in the dollar-imprinted eyes of rightward-leaning voters. Weirdly, there is a class of voter who would consider Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump their two main choices, suggesting that their free-floating anger is focused on establishment politicians rather than the super-wealthy.

Republican 1% Party

Ted chews over the big questions.
Second or third?

Jeb Bush (Bloodline Hanging Droop) - all the money, all the connections, and notably all the technology (still got those machines from 2000 gathering dust). Yet the public haven't warmed to him. That must suck his deposits.

Ben Carson (Tiny Knife Man) - with his knowledge of precise surgical technique, it has been pointed out that Mr Carson is entirely overqualified for presidency, which usually just requires a big mallet to whack down dissent. Still, he should be good at washing blood off his hands. Carson's campaign reached a standstill as he reached a standstill - in the wings at the introduction to a televised debate, with the cameras focusing on his every uncomfortable flinch.

Ted Cruz (Liberty Grabber) - feeling just a little bit misogynist? Just a tad racist? Just a smidgen asshole today? We present Ted Cruz, the watered-down Trump, a floating stain of ick. Pledging to make even bricks and mortar go out and find a job ("I want a wall that works"), pro-lifer Cruz champions the right to keep and bear arms. Kill for peace.

Out of his mouth fall
ripe squeezed nuggets of hate. 

Mike Huckabee (Talking Salvation) - I see the light! Ah, the fading of the light, the light at the end, the lights are going out, the last pinprick of light, nope didn't make it this time fella.

John Kasich (Heritage Car-Sick) - apparently this chump is mainstream Republicanism's last hope. Polite, gently stirring, harking back to a previous generation, could he be the John Major of this race and find himself propelled by others' desperation all the way to the top? Probably no.

Marco on the uppers.

Marco Rubio (Call Me Marco) - notable for his campaign putdown: "I wear heels bigger than your dick!" Fresh-faced, squeaky-cheeked Marco was tearing it up like Xmas wrapping on a Fisher Price playset, until he took on Trump at his own game: "I'm no-one's apprentice. You don't get to fire me. I'm a different company altogether!" to the confusion of thousands. Marco wound down his sputtering campaign with a sad-eyed rejoinder: "Guess I'm just too damn pretty for this race".

Marco on the buffers.

Donald Trump (Anal Vomit Leak) - fill in your own jokes. This thatched orange blob of hate has ascended to a realm beyond parody. Mr Trump has the sterling support of the demolition derby circuit, World Wrestling Entertainment fans, and all jihadis. It is merely hoped that the sheer poison of his candidacy might bring about the implosion of the Republican Party, before any more innocents suffer.

Come back tomorrow as the crack Beware! team attempt to pin down the candidates on severe policy matters.