Monday, 28 September 2015

The Beware! Encyclopaedia of International Celebrity - Sepp Blatter

Who in this transient, pitter-patter world really seeks fame? The sensible amongst us are more interested in power. Money obviously comes first, as it can buy everything else, but power is surely second on the list. However, power perhaps works best when it's not exposed to the harsh lightbulb of celebrity, or we may end up with our careful sandcastles eroding around us, as we hastily try to repack their foundations. And what of today's celebrity? What does he seek?

Sepp Blatter (Gold Trinket Chief)

Shifty Blatter.
This titan amongst minnows. This king of junkets. This septic warrior. This Blatter.

Born plain Joe Vipstick (March 10, 1936) in the University of Lausanne, he graduated with a diploma in dramaturgy and made useful contacts in law enforcement industries. The young Joe developed an unquenchable love for the manly sport of football. He loved the kicking, the heading, and the handling, but yet he had a hard vision: a vision of higher revenue, extended layers of management, increased corporate sponsorship, agency fees, and a sprinkling of old-man glamour. Indistinguishable from any other girl between about 1948-1971, in 1972 Joe cut off his pigtails and indulged this taste for power play. He joined the Swiss Journalist Association of Sports, the International Olympic Committee, the Freemasons, the Knights Templar, and finally took the FIFA presidency after undermining the previous leader. Mark down August 8, 1998 in your diaries; tear it out and throw it away. Blatter's expertise in satellite communication, global engagement, and silky-smooth backhanders, ensured the continued success of this bloated charabanc. Blatter had realised that the way to engage the next generation was through money. He was the first to notice untapped financial markets in South-East Asia and Africa, where business leaders and dictators were keen to exchange money for favours and attention-diverting sporting spectacle. Blatter split into two and "Sepp" maintained the public face, while "Joseph" brokered deals in private jets and late-night casinos. He succeeded in breaking in virgin territories with the powerful thrust of commerce, insider knowledge and the symbolically bloated "freedom glass". South Africa, Brazil, Russia and Qatar all indulged, at the same time undermining trust, public interest and employment conditions for ancillary and construction workers.
Shagged Blatter.

FIFA In The New World

"Style and panache is very important to bring the great football into Asia and (stable parts of) Africa. Athletes who have mental discipline can become educated types. Lavish life is to the betterment of law, and, ha, ha, Sepp has your best principles in mind. The Fates all agree that smart communication modulates reality and adjusts your heart. With this living theatre, you can enjoy having fun. Who doesn't enjoy having fun? But then it comes time to comply." This confused the English, who pointedly do not enjoy having fun, and only comply under restraint in a darkened room once an hourly fee has been handed over.

Stressed Blatter.
Blatter's dislike of the English stems from a 1992 Italian junket (funded by Silver Fox Berlusconi, 38-46-42) being disrupted by a bored Paul Gascoigne who set off the hotel sprinklers and vomited in the pool. In the coming years, an outraged Joseph undertook a stealth campaign to disrupt the nation's favourite game (behind cricket), leaking details of Terry Venables' back-room dealings just as he became England manager; conning Southampton boss Graeme Souness into signing a ludicrous no-hoper, Ali Dia, by giving fake testimonials in a succession of false voices (including his later rival David Ginola); giving free psychic advice as "Madam Blotto" for Glenn Hoddle; and poking holes in Steve McLaren's brolly.

In response to criticism that football exploited talented children before leaving them on the scrap heap, drunk and confused, Blatter arranged for 41-year-old Africans to sign up again as youth players. "A job for life". Who can argue? But football is backwards, and it was pointed out that 41-year-old "youths" would prevent 17-year-old youths from getting a game, as well as being awfully confusing, especially once they reach 65 and go round for a third time.

Zip Blatter.

FIFA In The Real World

Nowadays, Blatter has brought a long-needed edge to the round game of football by crossing it with the successful detective genre. Actors like Jack Warner (Dixon Of Dock Green) have been brought in for star cameos, with Jeffrey Webb of the Caymans giving a island-sized performance: "Prison again? No you Polack! Today we are going to heaven". Well-acted corruption trials in the United States (late for the party again) allow Blatter to perform his party trick as pantomime villain. "FIFA has responsibility for not only Christmas, but also Easter. You understand? Don't tug too hard at the golden tablecloth, or the golden eggs will be broken on the floor" (these being the Mitre Delta Golden Eggs, not available at Sports Direct).

Murdoch Blatter (mutation).
German satirical magazine Landlust published a swiped Blatter diary entry: "They still don't understand FIFA. Perfect organisation. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality." On Newsnight, Jeremy Paxman challenged Blatter fourteen times to confirm if he threatened to overrule Gordon Taylor. "I'm not wrong, it can prove to, prove to everyone that was bad, but not what he is, what am I, broken? What are you? I do not know the meaning of the question. I do not know the meaning of the question!"

Happy Blatter.
Five victims of FIFA were found drugged in a Jamaican titty bar. "Evil... needs to change what it can. And He was right, but I just nod when questioned. I'll take you to it now. You want power?"

Blatter has been studied hard. Vladimir Putin is an influential contamination. There is talk of relocating FIFA to St Petersburg. "Previously I used to recommend a more modern image, but this is football. Requirements are simply profit, international duty, and credulous fans." Putin called for US airlines to bankroll FIFA's education unit, if they suddenly loved football so much. Meanwhile, at the old FIFA HQ in Zurich, comic singer Leee John (from Imagination) was arrested for publishing blasphemous satirical cartoons on fake banknotes. In defence, he sang it was "just an allusion".

Angelic Blatter.
Blatter slapped down a broadside to Pope Francis I: "I own your gold cross, and you will bless me one day in heaven, which is built by FIFA people, but believe me: football gave me faith in the power of hell, and there is all the approval, on this world or the next." Wherever the struggle takes him, one thing is clear: "Sepp" Blatter is shining, and a new logo for football.

Recommended listening: FIFA Broadside by Keshco

Entry text: Adrian Darvell
Editor-in-Chief: Winston Obogu

Corrections, omissions, questions? Please leave any COQs in the comments.

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