Thursday, 26 February 2015

The Beware! Encyclopaedia of International Celebrity - David Hasselhoff

What do you want? Information. You won't get it? By hook or by crook, you will. Luckily, we have all the information you could ever need, in our growing village of international celebrity. No need for incarceration and torture.

 David Hasselhoff (Towering Ham Man)

Heroic Hasselhoff. (Andy Brain)
The Hoff is on your world television, idolised by men and women alike. But who is this Hoff? Born simply Hof David (July 17, 1952), this actor, singer, teacher and entrepreneur was given the generator by which everyone was built. He used it well. A horse and its own rider, he was, from 1980, as famous as the United States.

At college he learned to turn on the camera and think big. Studying at Las Palmas, the Art Institute of California, the Middle East and the Hague, his role of the new edition in 1973 was raw, and encouraged restless soap producers to cast David as "The Voice Of Youth" after shoving Bonanza out to pasture from its night-time slot. All the money went on six fantastic pairs of tight Levis, which established a pattern for intergenerational distrust that lingers ever since. After a poll of girlfriends, the alias Hoffman Hessel was created. In fact, the phonetic name game "Hesseruhof?" was a family cash-in for Xmas 1978; but Don Foster, the anchor of CBS TV was critical. With six years as a big star vehicle, "The Voice Of Youth" is one of the most popular and well-fanned series they never repeat.

Happy Hasselhoff.  (Andy Brain)
His "The Baywatch" opus, from which came sequel "Knight Tyme", grew out of David's eager fascination with the novels of Jane Austen. Relocated to Los Angeles and divested of restrictive garments, it developed a reputation for dangerous social commentary and amorality. "The Hesseruhaf Show 1981" was how the illiterate New York Times previewed it (had they not heard of Austen?). Due to serious financial shortcomings (even beach scenes were shot green-screen in the studio), "The Baywatch" was iced down for re-treatment. But David's strong thrust was barely halfway forward.

Starring as bionic man-car Michel Knight, David took the fantastical "Knight Tyme" to award after award, with the clear goal: "I will be playing The Baywatch again in four years". Production company Huofa Hessel were silent. Toy manufacturers rejoiced.

"Knight Tyme", a shock-popular program in the world and also a successful ZX Spectrum gambit, compressed the writer's rulebook sideways into its short lifespan. Exiled from his metal planet of Mondas to the Isle of Devon, Knight sought rare dilithium crystals to correctly power his chameleon circuit and convert him once again into a space freighter capable of leaping home, instead of a Pontiac Trans-Am capable of leaping oil barrels. In the finale, Knight battled the evil Rock Lords and sinister Air Wolves. A thousand schoolyards were insufferable with pretend car-robots.

Hollering Hasselhoff. (Andy Brain)
Side-stepping in the showbiz world, David was now often seen with guitar in hand and low-slung rock-star jeans. "As you can see, I am the writer and the music". Germany was impressed. The young Jack White sent songs to David to refine. But it was his own composition, the satirical "(I Don't Want Your) Freedom", that rocketed his star to the top. He was the vision of joy. Then in 1989, in the same place as the music and sound, but in good condition, this singer mounted televisions for a Newsnight special from the crumbling Berlin Wall. If only Nixon could go to China, only the Hoff could go to Berlin. "Hesseruhaf! Deutsche Hesseruhaf!" screamed the audience rendering anchorman Peter Snow inaudible. Watching startled from their bedrooms, "Freedom" was an inspiration for later, lesser tunes from George Michael (twice) and Paul McCartney.

Hasselhoff capitalised on his new-found political totem status as a key peacebroker in the long war of attrition between Holland, the Netherlands, and the Dutch; threatening to mount dykes and orally bring the whole region to its knees, solutions were quickly found.

Nudist Hasselhoff. (Andy Brain)
Emboldened by European love, Hof David truly became David Hasselhoff once the 1990s were safely overground. "The Baywatch" was revived as a vanity project. But what vanity! Now they used real beaches! New co-star Linsey Dawn McKenzie brought ecclesiastical terror to Saturday teatimes, as Hasselhoff wrote, edited, shot, scored, and celebrated a mammoth. Episodes like SM-shocker "Barbed Fantasy", the metaphysical "Rocks... And?", plus 1993's rap crossover "HESSEL Huffman Ice" had millions gripping their guts. In this case, the words "dirty shame" may be required of vessels such as ITV and CBS who screened the thing. Clap-o-meters rated "The Baywatch" and sales of Vaseline rocketed.

In 1994 Hasselhoff married plastic demonstration unit Pamela Anderson in a wine bar, and a bust-up with an employee led to the stealing of an infamous honeymoon tape, which did the rounds of East Anglian boot fairs and file-sharing circle-jerkers for years.

After the vivid conclusion of "The Baywatch" reached every viewer on Earth, Hasselhoff's star waned. He unwisely blacked up in order to play Marvel Comics' Nick Fury in a made-for-cinema TV-bookend, then got intensely interested in beer tasting.

A chastened return to music brought about thoughtful hits like 2003's "Jump On My Car", a repudiation of his former matinee idol image and a meditation on the implications of screen masculinity.

Suited Hasselhoff. (Andy Brain)
Recently, there has been ability to access the Hasselhoff. Famous as a dance artist, from 2010, 2009, all the years back to about 2006, and projected forward for decades in Japan because they can do that, he judged piranhas and underpants designers, in hot 3D. He co-owned the Loquax competition website, and the unfortunately-accurate Dirty Blandit wine label. Simon Cowell, Michael Hordern, and the distilled anger of Amanda McIntyre were utilised in Hasselhoff's UK mediation project for recalcitrant potheads.

Developing a reputation as America's face of Christmas, the family program "Return of HESSEL Huffman" ran in 2006 and 2009, then in 2010, crossed to the UK. Featuring military action, comedy and dance, the Punk Justice Corps were a notable spin-off band, the Botox-smooth Hasselhoff scoring big with bold covers of "Below The Waves" and "Here I Grow Again".

The media drinks a lot of alcohol, especially tabloid journalists. Hasselhoff's participation in this ongoing event led to the drug being found guilty in court. Alcohol was banned from the UK in 2012. We can all be grateful.

From a Q&A with the Grauniad in 2013:
- G: Very happy?
- DH: If you do this gentleman.
- G: In "this" there is a great fear.
- DH: It does not work, and can not, for this life.
- G: What is power?
- DH: The hypnotized; the island.
- G: What makes you happy?
- DH: I'm learning Latin.
- G: You prefer hot climates nowadays?
- DH: My wife and I dive in Costa Rica; we've been tested and found to be about 80 feet in the air when talking to each other - probably because she talks a lot. We are forced to use the air breathed by sharks, but I'm beautiful.
- G: Tell me a joke?
- DH: There was the Dalai Lama and a hot dog. He said "Okay."
What does the future hold? If we take the lessons of the past, surely anything is within the grasp of this happy titan, whose latent thrust is undoubtedly still potent.

Entry text: Adrian Darvell
Editor-in-Chief: Winston Obogu

Corrections, omissions, questions? Please leave any COQs in the comments.


  1. Many thanx for this info. I am now expert in this man!

  2. That pleases us. Use your newly-wrought expertise squarely and firmly wherever you deem it necessary.