The Empire's Clarion: Bravo! For The Settlers

Depressed by recent political developments in Australia? Here's how the "Australian Indigenous Voice to Parliament" referendum was reported in our famous enemy journal (spit) - faithful companion of the gentleman's club set, reeking of tobacco, port and stilton - The Empire's Clarion (NB attitudes may be 140 years out-of-date to you, dear reader, though seemingly bang up-to-date for many down under):

Bravo! Australian Settlers Quash Savages' Ludicrous Demands

Contemporary Commentary by Balthazar Wentworth-Sinclair

LONDON - We are most delighted to report that the upstanding British pioneers of Australia have decisively quashed absurd proposals to give the primitive natives a greater political voice.

In a referendum on Saturday last - an ill-advised folly of the misguided Mr Albanese - the sagacious colonists refused to entertain the outlandish idea of granting the Aboriginal tribes special representation in the Austral parliament. This splendid result displays the indefatigable spirit of our compatriots who so bravely founded and tamed the colony.

The benighted savages have grown too demanding in requesting formal recognition from the parliament, believing themselves deserving of an equal seat at the table. But the brave Australian voters rightfully dismissed these laughable conceits from the uncivilised races.

The blessings of English rule and tutelage are bounteous for the natives. Our enlightened governance lifts them from their wretched ignorance and squalor. We caution these hapless wards against further grasping for "rights" beyond their lowly station. They ought give fervent thanks for the gifts of British law, religion and technology - not to mention that most diverting and consoling export, alcohol.

Let all Englishmen across the Empire applaud the steadfast Australian settlers! Their refusal to indulge the native delusions proves them worthy stewards of the Crown. We hope their example shall rouse Englishmen everywhere to govern their uncivilized charges with justice, but an ever-firm hand.

God save the Queen!

(The Clarion is available everywhere, just behind the crepe-thin veneer of progress.)