Sporren and the Space-Bats - A Visitor - page 01

In this instalment, a spaceman comes travelling close to the galactic border.

Sporren and the Space Bats - Long Format #1 - Page01 (written/illustrated by Andy Brain)

Poetry Hallway - Falling Through The Night

Welcome to... actually can you turn the radiator down?

No, it's just rather... sweaty in here.

It's easier if you do it... just reach around and -

Yes with your hand, it's on the - can't you feel it?

Well have a care, don't - stand on the -

Oh look just leave it, alright?

No, it's fine, I'll take my top off.

There we are, that's better. That's quite nice actually. Fresh. Welcome to Poetry - yes I have washed my armpits! - Hallway. Today we have a molten chunk of mental moonrock to wreck your molars on. This one is by Andy from TV stars Keshco, and is about sleeper trains and birdman Felix Baumgartner. Yes, drafted late 2012. It's a series of haikus - well, just about.

Falling Through The Night by Andy Brain

Between states, stations
Night and day, sleep and sense
Plymouth and Saltash.

No sleep this dumb hour
No motion from this station
The night is stuck fast.

My fingers trace sky
Higher than clouds, down to tracks
Guess how far he fell.

The curve of the Earth
A leap of faith in Kevlar
The beat of a heart.

Sound barriers smash
Tinnitus wrenches my face
Limbs tingle and thrash

Down, down through the cloud
Burst duvets in the shower
Waiting for clean light.

To fall best, relax
Let gravity do the work
Don't think of Red Bull.

Station of Critical Review by Kennedy Hiscox-Wormegay: Replacement Carbon Brushes For Hoover Performa 1100

So, dearest of blog-follower, it's early AD2015 and you are still a desperate-enough individual to act upon your requirement of the emotional assistance of both Messrs Cocktail and Hiscox-Wormegay. Ordinarily I'd make urgent-but-vague recommendations that you find yourself either a person of ill repute and spend a couple of days getting the New Year Blues out of your system, but as I am only writing here as a guest, I must remember some basic webiquette.

Advanced plumbing.

Shortly before the New Year insanities began, my servant girl Bertha was pumping water in the yard and my ears made hear of a commotion in one of the outhouses. I shouted at her to do her damned job and make herself aware of the situation with a view to rectifying it, but the smithy at Marten's Forge is dragging his heels over my new pump - and the squeaking is unbearable! To cut a yarn into shorter bits of yarn, Bertha was not able to hear the racket from the outhouse, ergo she didn't attend the issue.  So I had to.

The lickspittle, Bertha.

 Being a gentleman of reasonable standing, I tended to my first responsibility - beating the servant girl. But she is a girl of fortune and, at 73 years, is a good twenty years my junior - and escaped! Lickspittle slodger tramp.

So, without assistance, I ventured into the outhouse. I have yet to install electric lighting in the outhouses as I don't often have the need to go in, and there is a good provision of part-burned candles for the estate staff. But on this occasion, an Edison filament bulb would have been most welcome for, at the end of the room, there was the Hoover laundry box. It was making a terrible din!  It was lurching from side to side like the gin-soaked women queued at the almshouses in the towns, and a great many glowing sparks accompanied a loud and constant crackle.

Eventually, I resolved to send a telegram to the local repairman. He is a man of limited intelligence, owing, in the main, to his coming from The Midlands. Regardless of his geographic shortcomings, I sent the telegram, demanding he attend the estate and either repair the laundry machine or shoot it. When he arrived, it was immediately apparent that he had not brought his shotgun, nor his veterinary trappings. Instead, he produced two small, L-shaped contraptions, which he termed 'brushes'. Being a man of the world, I pride myself on having amassed a good mental inventory of equipment associated with the arts, and these were emphatically not brushes. However, it must be said that whatever devilry this man brought onto the estate, it silenced the Hoover laundry box and enabled me to hunt down the wretched Bertha, wearing clean breeches.

Given that I don't fully comprehend the workings of these so-called 'brushes', I am disinclined to offer them a rating, irrespective of how well they do their job.

----------------

Je suis Charlie

Nase And Abel - Pixels To Pixels

Fassbender Frank, in the form of a giant digital Death Star, makes its opinions about fan-art and mash-ups known.

naseandabel-shortformat#1-page04 (written and illustrated by Gareth Monger)

Nase And Abel - That's No Moon.

Whilst dealing with a seemingly-confused Zeroid/Cube, Nase and Abel soon become aware that it's attracted an unwelcome visitor.

naseandabel-shortformat#1-page03 (written and illustrated by Gareth Monger)

From The Vaults: What Could've Been - Beware! The Magazine (#5, 12 Jan 1984)

When Cliff ruled the airwaves and Nase & Abel ruled your bedroom wall.

Beware! The Magazine - #5 - illustrated by Gareth Monger

On the date this issue hit the stands, slipping down the back to gather dust...

• Peter Davison fought the terrifyingly costumed Myrka in Doctor Who: Warriors Of The Deep - Part Three
• Echo and the Bunnymen fought the terrifyingly costumed Japanese fans in Tokyo's Shibuya Kokaido Hall
• Michael Palin had a wander around central London
• The Eurythmics released "Here Comes The Rain Again"
• The Sinclair QL was born - aimed at the business market, its pioneering points were overshadowed by crippling flaws in design and production, and the first machines didn't ship until months later

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass - Regulations

Thinking of taking up a new occupation this year? Johnny has sterling advice.

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass #3 (written/illustrated by Andy Brain)

Coming very soon: A lentil shortage has dire consequences for Sporren and the Space-Bats.

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass - Targets

 Johnny reminds his readers what's what.

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass #2 (written/illustrated by Andy Brain)

Coming soon: Poetry Hallway gives up valuable floor space to Limpit Smike.

From The Vaults: What Could've Been - Beware! The Magazine (#4, 5 Jan 1984)

Issue 4 of the non-existent Beware! The Magazine.

Beware! The Magazine - #4 - illustrated by Gareth Monger

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass - Intro

A New Year is a time for resolutions. It's also a time for ill-advised purchases. Luckily you can combine both by signing up to a new life-enhancing course, courtesy of smouldering hunk of ham Johnny Cocktail.

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass #1 - page01 (written/illustrated by Andy Brain)

Johnny Cocktail - PI Masterclass #1 - page02 (written/illustrated by Andy Brain)

To be continued.