Baking Bonanza With The Two Bobs - Chess Cake

Nobby "Bob" Lyons (bespectacled scourge of the NHS) and Bobby Robert (cynic of the kebab house) have wangled themselves a slot on Cookstyle UK's low-rotation low-audience afternoon schedule. You can imagine the deficient title music.


Nobby: Oo. Ah.
Bobby: ...Crapped yesself already?
Nobby: (Stroking the workspace) This is very nice.
Bobby: Today it's salmonella pudding. You like that?
Nobby: What with the country, ah, taking to the baking... getting rude for the food... spurting for the dessertings...
Bobby: Dirty bugger.
Nobby: We decided there could be nothing better than to, ah -
Bobby: Join the bandwagon.
Nobby: It's nice to watch. But this is better because it's interactive. Yes, you too can make the recipes in this series. Now, have you ever heard that before?
Bobby: All a game to you, innit.

CHESS CAKE
Nobby: ...which leads us - oo - tactically well into our first edible. This is the chess men cake.
Bobby: I'll peel some spuds.

Chess cake not made by Nobby; Chess men not carved by Bobby (Andy Brain)

Nobby: Chess pie, a sweet, indulgent dessert, of course - I could eat it all year! Featured in "Saving Private Ryan" where a battle was planned using the innards of this very cake, the remnants of one were, ah, presented... to me by a patient, and before I'd even started dating her, this lovely treat was elected the nation's favourite. You may have many favourite sweets, but this is the only one that's also a game - apart from hide the pussy pop! So, ah, after you've had fun pressing your bits into all the tiles, a slice of this will fit in your tummy like a runny hug, and this can be, with the help of the Two Bobs, a very simple recipe to make and make again. You'll need just this yellow cake mix (available from Pound Plus), melted egg and butter in a griddle, with a leather box, to start the preparation. These four ingredients together, then get squished into a pan. What gives the amazing texture of this cake is eggshell - a tool that's easy to use but only with your right hand, because we know what the left hand gets used for...!

NOBBY'S CHESS CAKE RECIPE:
1. Turn your oven around to 300 degrees.  
2. Put non-stick spray on your hands.
3. Pour and mix the yellow cake mix (available from Pound Plus), with butter and eggshell in a large bowl, about 6 x 10-inch baking dish to eat. No, you don't eat the dish!
4. Put milk on the bottom of the pot. Use your fingertips to feel where the bottom is.
5. Disorder your cream cheese (oo-er) until smooth and soft. Add stevia, fat bubbles, a hint of rohypnol, and turn your egg timer over now! Shell and pour the mixture into a soft line, like a dog sausage. Bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes. The exact structure will be best serviced in whirly circles.
6.Taking spray paints, spray on the characteristic white and black shapes of a chess board.
7. Place a chocolate bar on top. Leave this under a hairdryer for a few minutes until the chocolate has dribbled down the sides. Repeat until you've done this with four or five bars, but don't use Green & Black's as it doesn't heat well, or KitKat because it's not all chocolate. Swizz! 
8. Serve in congealed lumps to a credulous lady in a darkened consulting room. The local GP has an easily-bribed janitor, he lets me go in after lights out and do a whole STD clinic by myself.

And now Bobby, how about the chess men?

BOBBY'S CHESS MEN RECIPE:
1. Take some wood from Nobby's bed.
2. Sneak into a neighbour's shed.
3. Carve it up into chess men.
4. Tell the cops you were asleep.

Next time: How to gut a ferret.